What Makes A Gentleman

What makes a gentleman?

Consider the name, gentle-man. A gentleman should be just that; gentle. However, this is not to say he should be weak, rather to stress that violent means are not necessary and should be avoided if at all possible. The gentleman's duty, as will be explained below, is primarily one of ensuring harmony, not of spreading his will.

The non-violence issue is similar to the KungFu violence ethic. The gentleman is capable of violence, but must refrain from doing so until he must, instead choosing to employ words and other actions to resolve a conflict.

What is the duty of a gentleman?

The Way of the Warrior describes the duty of the warrior[gentleman] as "the duty of the [gentleman] is to protect those who must be protected, to help those who cannot help themselves, and to improve others by his example." this quote will be expanded upon later.

The Gentleman's handbook describes a further duty. "The gentleman has a duty to make those around him comfortable."

What does this quote really mean?

This means that he must strive to comfort those around him. This comfort takes many forms. foremost; adapting himself to the requirrements of those around him, within reason. For example, if he is a guest in a vegan household he will not ask for meat, rather, he will eat what they give him. However, if his hosts explicitly tell him they do not mind his eating meat, he will have no problem eating with them. If the gentleman's present company is offended by cursing he shall not curse in their presence. Really, he should not curse at all, but this is not one of the 'laws' of a gentleman, merely instead he keep it to himself.

Consider the phrase "when in rome, do as the romans do." This is a rough version of the idea, however, there is another point to this concept of comfort. The gentleman does not need to put up with a situation he is truly uncomfortable with. If there is something his hosts ask him to do that violates certain codes or laws he respects he can decline, and will do so. However, this rejection must be done with the utmost care to respect the host, as no insult is intended. If the situation is handled well, no incident will be made of it. This is particularly important in a new culture.

Secondly, he must strive to make those around him get along and avoid conflicts. This too takes many forms. One prime example is introducing new people into a group, or starting a mutually acceptable topic of discussion to involve everyone peacefully, or approaching with a friendly manner those people too shy or similarly burdened to join in on their own.

Going back to the Way of the Warrior quote, Whom are those who need this pretection?

This is a difficult definition. The first instinct is to say "women and children" and leave it at that. But what about the elderly? What about the handicapped? Surely they must need protection as well. But now it sounds like the ones who need teh protection are basically "civilians." But what about other gentleman? Why shoudl they be excluded from the protection of others? The short answer is, well, they shouldn't! The long answer is no one should be excluded from protection until they do something that specifically removes them, essentially if they become a threat to the others in the protected pool. This reminds me of a discussion about who goes to heaven: all people, until they decide to sin and damn themselves, God will not damn them. However, I will not be covering God at this time, that is for a later post.

So, what about those who prove themselves unworthy? This raises the question of a judgement call (what is bad enough to not deserve protection anymore) however the gentleman should use his own wisdom and discretion to determine this. Also, those cast out should not be cast aside. indeed, they should be worked upon and improved so they may redeem themselves and become protected and protectors once again. The nature of this correction brings up issues of justice, but a general rule of thumb of "hate the sin love the sinner" can be applied here for the simplest answer. It is the supreme duty of a gentleman to help everyone.

Which brings me rather smoothly into the help topic.

Regarding those who cannot help themselves, the main question to ask is what are we, as gentleman, helping with, why do they need help, and why can't they help themselves.

The first thought in response to 'why help' is quite simple. Why not? It is the right thing to do (again, "right" is a tangent I will not cover now and must be taken on faith for the time being) To be fair and play devil's advocate, the argument is quite plain: "i don't want to expend the effort to help" however, since this denies the very point of the gentleman, indeed one of the prime suppositions, it can be ignored.

So, now that we know the gentleman must help, how does this help manifest itself?

Consider the old example of holding the door for someone. Now, typically, this is seen as something nice men do for pretty women, and has essentially turned into a way to trick women into thinking the man is 'sweet.' however, why should help constitute a reward, sexual or otherwise? The nature of help is again, the right thing to do. Thus, a door should he held for all people, attractive women, unattractive women, old people, young people, foreigners, other gentlemen, everyone. This is not some sad attempt at equality, it is simply removing the necessity for sexual connotation to be attached to the action.

So, with this in mind, 'help' can be small things and almost unnoticed, such as holding a door. Help can also be major issues such as an intervention for someone addicted to a particular vice.

The best way to sumarize help is this. It does not matter if they cannot help themselves; help them anyway. If they do not need your help, help them anyway. If you are able to help, then simply help. However! this is key, the if the gentleman is not sure his actions will help or indeed if he is damaging the situation he will remove himself, swallow his pride, and find someone who can help. This last part is extremely hard for all men, myself included. We don't like to admit innability. However, it must be done for the good of others, which is again why the gentleman exists.

The third point raised by the Way of the Warrior is the 'improving others by his example' bit. This one does not need a whole lot of explaining. He will attempt to live up to the aforesaid standards as much as possible, and teach others how to do so as well. And even without directly teaching, he will try to lead by example, by doing what he should and hoping others observe and try to emulate his good behavior.

The main thing that distinguishes a gentleman is the little actions, the previously mentioned doorholding, along with other nice little politeness increasing activities. One other thing that distinguashes a gentleman is his dress. This does not mean a gentleman always wears fancy dress, indeed, he may wear jean shorts and a T-shirt if he wants to, as long as the clothing is appropriate, decent, and sufficiently modest to the circumstance. However, a gentleman should take care of his appearance, but not for the sake a vanity. rather, so that others may not be offput by untidiness or similar problems. This is far less challenging than face value. If he is wearing a shirt that should be tucked in, he will tuck it in. It is really that simple, and that small of a thing. A gentleman always wears nicer clothes if he is unsure of the fashion requirements, and uses his own judgment as to what will be sufficient to not offend his host or company.

This has been a very basic outline of what makes a true gentleman. I hope you all can try to apply this to your daily life, women, convince your partners, men, try as much as you can, for as they say "practice makes perfect". There is also a set of duties for a lady, but I am not qualified to comment on that yet. Perhaps after an amorous relationship (true one) with what a real lady is, as the gentleman's handbook describes, then I shall.
By the way, those books I site are excelent sources for more material and details. Along with seeking out other gentleman and trying to emulate them.

Goodnight, and thanks for reading.
Stephen Scully