Gentleman, Part 1

Essay Upon the Nature of Amorous Relationships, Love, and Sexuality.
Part 1, Stephen Scully

Firstly, I will begin by saying I think society as a whole has terribly damaged the true meaning of these things so fundamental to our lives as humans. Society has confused us and abused us with media and a shockingly excellent campaign of encouragement that depravity is a good thing, depravity is real love, and depravity is something to strive for.

I don’t agree.

Thus follows my own thoughts on what these three key things ought to be, and then why they are not.

Beginning with amorous relationships, I believe that a true amorous relationship between two people should be focused on just what the title says; love, and the relationship between lovers. The relationship takes the form of emotion, of caring, of true love in what it is meant to be. A wise man once defined love as the ability to give one’s self freely to the other with no thought of getting anything in return. I think this is accurate, to a stunning degree. The relationship should be based on caring for one another, helping one another, enjoying one another’s presence and being and company. It should not be merely a way to gain carnal satisfaction. It distresses me to see people who pick boy/girl friends based on appearance. This, in my opinion, is one of the greatest crimes of humanity and the modern age. It is the abuse of something so beautiful and good—love--and turning it into something that should only be the extreme product of love, the bonding of two individuals. (More on the deep meaning behind sex later.) To think that your relationship of caring and love can be based on how they look, not how they act or think is simply ridiculous, and self-contradictory. The entire point of an amorous relationship is to know the person, love the person, appreciate the person, and by removing these stages which lead up to, as it is rightly called, love-making, you have effectively destroyed the purpose of a relationship.

Furthermore, if we think more deeply into the nature of a relationship, How long can sexual attraction last, if it is not fueled by a desire for the other person themselves? Maybe 40 years old, and then you must love the person inside, otherwise, you have lost the sexual attraction of youth. We’re only young for so long, and then we must learn to appreciate the person, not the body.

It is difficult for me to discuss the divinity of the body and sex, being as I am, though I have heard some excellent thoughts on the matter. The purpose of sex besides procreation, they say, is to become as one person, one completed whole. Consider balance in nature, and I could go into detail on the Yin/Yang correlations, but this argument has been said many times. I will however discuss this bonding nature. Sexuality should be between true lovers because it is the ultimate expression of love, (if done properly) that of giving yourself completely over to your partner. Thus, simple ‘making out’ is just plain wrong, for as it may raise your dopamine levels and make you want to breed, it is not actual love.

Continuing thoughts on Boyfriend/girlfriend relationships.
The man should be a gentleman. I have read extensively on gentleman’s codes from around the world, and I think there is a very good reason women seem to like the gentlemanly type, or at least those women interested in a sincere relationship. As I have earlier said, the media etc. has contorted this view, but that is a later topic.
Now, to clarify, I do not mean gentleman in the sense of the frankly ridiculous bravado and a sort of mentality where women are prizes. I mean more of what I personally strive for, something I wish more people would consider doing. Treating them with the respect they deserve. I am saddened that this does not seem to be done much anymore, nor do women even seem to want it anymore. The Paris Hilton fans and their kind have made sex the complete focus, and the actual core of caring cast aside. For example, I, as a gentleman, would defend the partner-to-be from those who would do her harm. Again, this is not the football jocks who beat up the guy who looks at their cheerleader trophy sex partner in a ‘funny way’. That’s just our primal caveman instincts. No, indeed the exact opposite is needed, to defend her, to keep her away from such problems, if they are indeed problems, in the first place. Also, to placate any ultra feminists out there, this is not to say that the woman does not have power. Far from it. I think giving the woman the chance to make up her own mind, which again has never been done properly it seems except in the odd 1940s movie, is the greatest sign of love: it shows trust, it shows you respect her for her own individual being. She can make her own decisions, she can choose her own time and path, she can determine what is right for her. And the most important part of the gentleman’s code here is that this does not require you, the man, to like her decision. Know that it is hers, and that’s what matters. If you truly love her, you will respect her wishes. Say, you’re in high school, you ask a girl to date that you truly like for her personality and not her body. And she says ‘no’. You feel crushed, right? However, you should accept graciously, get to know her more, and if you feel the time is right, ask again. If the answer is still no, then that is her decision, she is not right for you, and you must move on. Remain friends if you like, that is certainly a more honorable way to end it, or not if you are not comfortable. Though one would argue that if you chose the latter path you were not truly loving her anyway.

Additionally, being a gentleman and defending her takes many forms. It takes the form of holding her when she’s sad, or comfort in some other way. Even if you are as I am, (utterly confused by feminine emotion) you should make every effort to help her. It is your duty as a gentleman, as her friend, and someone who truly loves her. A gentleman should also do all the things they are stereotyped to do. Hold doors, why? Because It’s just a nice thing to do! Why wouldn’t you want someone holding a door for you? There are those who abuse this kindness, and use it to trick women. This does not need much discussion, as those are clearly neither friends, gentleman, nor true lovers. Though it is worth noting that they exist, and give those of us who are really trying hard a terrible name.

Thus, in conclusion for this first part, More men should be like gentleman’s code suggests, what I strive for, and what society needs to be to heal. Secondly, sex is not the focus of a relationship, it is the absolute ends instead, seen only if true love is present.